Letters to Nobody

Have you ever written a formal letter to a politician, president, or restaurant you really hated? I have, mostly in my head, while my opinions are well-heated, but they still linger sometimes.

When Ted Cruz was running for Senator again in my home State, I wrote him this long letter (in my head, obviously) about what a dickhead he is. He really is a dickhead. Let’s list some dickhead things about Ted Cruz:

The President talked shit about him and his family, and he didn’t have the balls to stand up for them.

Ted Cruz opposes Net Neutrality. Any good internet user knows that Net Neutrality under Title II laws protects us from throttling and being sold out to advertisers and big business. Ted Cruz? He doesn’t give a shit because they’re paying him out.

Ted Cruz believes that gun control legislature is ‘”tiresome.” Seriously, guy? PEOPLE ARE GETTING SHOT ALL THE TIME. Just 3 hours ago, a guy was shooting at an IHOP 3 miles from my house.

I could really go on, but it just has me seething thinking about the Zodiac Killer and how they have yet to prove that it was Ted Cruz the whole time.

So in my beautifully articulate letter in my head, I told him off. I told him that he doesn’t deserve the position he’s in to handle lawmaking for my State, nor the country. He doesn’t have my best interests at heart. He’s a snake that would rather buff up those that grease his palms than those who live in his districts. This asshole is so high up on his horse that he would only give me a canned letter back that has nothing to do with what I wrote to him anyways. (Example in case, my concerns about the repeal about Net Neutrality in 2018 and his auto-generated letter indicating that he didn’t even read what I wrote)

So if you’re reading this Ted Cruz: Fuck you. I can’t wait for you to be bumped out of office and political life forever. Your family doesn’t deserve you. You also look stupid with a beard.

Sometimes I’ve written letters in my head for good things. Like to my local library that always seems to find obscure Japanese films for me that I request. The stuff I want is super expensive and rare, too. Sure, I could get it from Amazon for $50, but in a few short months, they somehow manage to acquire it! My internal letters to the acquisition team are usually heartfelt and appreciative of them supporting my odd tastes. I imagine them reading my letters, being happy that someone thought to write them a letter, and then they actually read how weirdo I am.

If you’re reading this, public library near me: You’re the best and I appreciate you.

And lastly, I write internal letters to celebrities. My latest was to comedian Louis C.K. and how he disappointed me. I told him how much I used to be such a fan of his work, any film, TV, standup, I was there, supporting his craft. We saw him live and laughed our asses off. I cross stitched one of my favorite lines of his. “The meal isn’t over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself.” So relatable, right? Then he had to go and use his position to his sexual gains and it was just shitty. And now we can’t like him anymore. He ruined his career and our adoration for his humor.

If you’re reading this Louis C.K.: You suck and you’ll never be the same in our eyes.

These are just a few examples in my head of letters I’ve written. Obviously, this is just a tribute (like “Tribute” by Tenacious D) and will never be as good as what I’ve actually written.

The End. -A